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Wednesday, December 17, 2003

I got back from the movie at 4 o'clock this morning.

I nearly killed a co-worker today. No reason really, but for some reason he decided to push and prod me to the point that I nearly pummeled him to death like the angriest of monkeys (Monkees). Instead I just got really hot, my face turned tomato red, and I screamed like Richard Simmons caught in a bear trap.

So I'm sitting here on the can, watching peoples shoes, and letting loose 20 pounds of American Pride like the angriest of Monkeys (You should have seen it when Davy had to take a dump...King Kong man, fuckin' King Kong ). I'm thinking about the radio this morning, and the woman who thought she was Jesus Christ but went under the name Prissy. I had only slept 2 hours, and thought maybe I was dreaming, but when I stepped into the icy shower I realized that I was indeed living a nightmare. A freezing cold, exhausting, angry monkey filled nightmare.

The worst part is that in my sleep-deprived, zombie state I had totally forgotten that I still had my elf costume on from the night before, well at least part of it. "Whoa, you look just like the base player from the muppets band!" My co-workers exclaimed. Again, the Richard Simmons in me was unleashed upon them. "Stop Screaming man, it was just a joke, calm down, Jesus". And then again, I thought of Prissy, our savior. I smiled and sat back. Everything was going to be ok. The police will be here soon enough.


Sunday, December 14, 2003

So wait, Saddam Hussein was a disheveled, crazy hobo the whole time?

That's crazy man. So is Andre. In my mind, and in a perfect world Andre and Saddam are both crazed hobos.

So I was walking through the massive food court at work the other day, when a lady, a very nice looking lady walked by. My mind gave me nothing to go on. "Whoa....An ass..." Which then led to "you and me baby, two ass's...Ass twins...Ass-ass twins...Assassins...Ass-assassins...Bold and brass, crass, sassafras ass-assassins". It was then that, entranced in a self-impressed stupor, drooling and murmuring to myself, I walked off the food court balcony and fell rag-doll style 2 stories to my untimely death.

I woke up this morning at 8 o'clock. I had slept 4 hours and I was ready to throttle anyone, ANYONE who might attempt to wake me from my pig-in-a-blanket slumber. My brother burst in and after they had pried my cold dead hands from around his neck, my Dad and Bro filled me in. My Mom and my Sister, in a car full of...Ahem... Cheerleaders, had swerved off the road and the car had been totaled. No one was hurt, but the driver was of course very upset.

I should have been very upset, and asked what I could do to help.

But instead, I feel asleep. Hell, it was cold outside of my cocoon and I wasn't about to risk freezing my ass off, just because my mom and sister could have died for the one and only cause I believe worth dying for, cheerleading.

And now, after getting up and shovelling in the blinding snow for an ungodly 5 minutes, I sit here trying not to fall asleep on the keyboard. There is macaroni on my face but I'm thinking about other things.

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