Tuesday, November 25, 2003

At The Heart of the Beast



Entertainment Tonight blasts me in the face "CELEBRITY ARREST EAT IT UP, MUTHAFUCKA !" It screams as its giant sinister block letters that can only imply justice is being pounded into someone, anyone, crash to the bottom of the screen.

"BOOM! MICHAEL JACKSON MUTHAFUCKA!" I clutch my heart as I'm flung backwards due to the concussive blast caused by this monolithic statement.

"Max, are you ok?" Asks my ignorant sister. "Why are you breathing so hard?" My mind is racing, my world is falling around me. I feel like puking. "You look like you're going to pu--" My sister tries to finish as I blow chunks all over the new carpet. Before she has time to laugh, I exclaim proudly "Looks like regurgitation tonight!" I get it out right before another wrech. My sister starts to puke. "You like this show too?"

"You fu-"

"Football, its pronounced Football"


"I'm a Football, not a Futball silly"


"You're repeating yourself sis"

She always was a little slow.

I finished wiping off my face and shirt with a nearby pillow, still chuckling "Welcome Back" I hear as call beckons me back to my best friend. My favourite Hostess is looking straight at me, my heart swoons. "Give it to me baby Melted Cheese-Enlarged-Forehead-Lobotomy Face-Queen of the Damned, give it to me" As her giant cat-fish mouth regails me with today's REAL news, I imagine what life would be like if she was my wife.

"Good morning sunshine"
"I said good morning sunshine"
I rub her "shoulder". It feels like warm raincoat. I love that feeling.
"Oh, I love it when you wear that warm raincoat baby" I whisper in her ear.
After a while of gazing into her giant bulging eyes I need to hear her sweet voice. So I slowly reach round her backside, gently massaging her water-repellent skin untill I reach her "special" spot.

I yank on the cord. " NEXT UP: EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S STOOL. THINK YOU KNOW WHAT COLOUR IT IS? YOU MIGHT WANT TO GUESS AGAIN! MORE WHEN WE RETURN" She shrieks maniacally into my face. I could listen to her shriek all day.

But she is to good for me anyway.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Two years is a long time to pretend

Been bored out of my skull lately. Here is a bit of a letter to my friend down south.

"So I've just been livin' lately. Goin' out has become essential, and yet I still have absolutely no love life, its terrible I tells ya. I realized a while ago that I never had one drink with you...Which is weird cause normally when I meet a gal, my first instinct is to pull out a bottle of butterscotch shots and yell 'LETS GET NAKED'...Ahem..Oh sorry...I mean 'LETS...GET...BIBLE CAMP!' "

See I DO have friends!

When I was in Adelaide (a.k.a. the hole....And I don't mean like "that's a sweet hole", I mean like a really fuckin' boring hole in the ass that is Australia) and all I had to eat, and drink was coffee (apart from some rice occasionally, and my own deodorant) I wrote:

"I've noticed the caffeine helps appreciate music, at least noise. Nah, because I also think it helps me appreciate silence. It also helps me appreciate yellow teeth." I'm so funny.

Light White Spectre Glow Enhances
My Walk-By-Night Sideways Mirror Glances

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