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Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Fly into the mystery

I remember one day in Australia. I was lost and scared, but the banjos started up and I started moving. Thinking of home, and getting new pants I picked a point, and grabbed my bag. I was leaving it again. I didn't care. I was happy to be sad and I was happy I wasn't the same as always. The old dusty bus that smelt like the barbers you had when you were ten (and smelt things like that), rolled on through the day. Wet black combs and vultures. I smiled at the sky by myself, I was home, I thought. Through the massive windows, I could see this home I hardly knew. I smiled and thought about how I was smiling at myself. It made me feel like smiling. I'd never been so happy. I was on the bus by myself, and I never wanted it to end. My shoes made me remember. I thought about the things I'd seen, the places I'd slept, and sometimes the times I didn't want to think about. I was glad they'd happened. It had all worked out anyway.
It always does.
I should remember that.

I remember a night in New Zealand. A smoky bar, a smoky mind. I wasn't anywhere but there and I could feel that too. I didn't know her name and she didn't know mine but she was there. It wasn't black or blue, but red. She hadn't left, but I couldn't wait to see her again. I felt again, and I was so happy. The roof opened up and we walked outside.

I remember so much.

Finally.


Before we say goodnight
I want to stop writing. I want to start leaving. I want to know whats on. I want to sleep. I want to listen to music. I want to turn the lights off. I want to run. I want to live somewhere else. I want to have more friends. I want to know her name.

I want to get paid more. I want more free time. I want things to do. I want clean shoes. I want to live until I'm old. I want to help them.

I want help. I want to be older. I want to be really good at something. I want something to eat. I want to know more. I want to be known. I want to go away. I want them to go away. I want someone else. I want to smile when I wake up. I want to smile when I go to sleep. I want a goal. I want to tell them.

I need something else.

Something more, or less.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

A way to begin

Well, its 8 O'clock in my favourite Toronto. A little J.R. for those who care. I know you're out there.

Feel like writing more than anything right now. There is something about looking outside to see the silhouette of leaves, black and moving smoothly in front of a neighbor's porch-light. It makes me feel alone, which I most decidedly am, but at the same time it gives me a kind of melancholy optimism. Today is ok, but lets talk after tomorrow is over.

If anyone can understand that, let me know.

I worked my ass off today, for some money that I don't know what to do with. I'm missing my friends that I met abroad these days. Hell, I'm missing all of my friends right now. Its good to work, and to make money, but to what end? I mean, you can't help but look along the line, and realize that this is what you're going to be doing for the majority of your life. Working. I'm happy now, and will be for a while. But I can just see the tail end of freedom slipping over the horizon, and I don't know about you, but I for one, am going to make a run for it.

It seems all I can write about honestly is anything remotely emotional. Unfortunately that tends to be a downer. The funny thing is, I don't think most people see me as the puddle my writing makes me out to be. Jokes on them.

"I know you might roll your eyes at this,
but I'm so glad that you exist" - The Weakerthans

No matter how many times I've been crushed, I'm so happy to have thought that very same thought before. I hope we've all thought it.

Well, I'm going to end here, just for the fun of it.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Oh Antarctica

A man named Snaps wrote me some kind words and I'd like to thank him.

Thank you a man named Snaps.

I'm feeling emotional and blank at the same time. Computers do that to you. To me.
I realized that I was so far from understanding most things that I laughed out loud today. I think that is probably a good thing. Both that I laughed, and that I know I don't know. So much.

"It is interesting to see that way in which everyday life can have such a dramatic effect on someone" - Robo 5 Grand

Thanks Rob. Its what I am.

The rain brought out the homeless people today. The business people were washed away and the rock solid hobos were all that were left. I saw a man lying, like he was in bed, in the downpour. He was soaked. And I ran by.

A lot of my friends have told me recently that they're love sick. Not one of them deserves it. They're all the best people in the world, and nobody (including myself) is giving them credit. They stay silent, and wait. Hang on guys. As much as we're apart I think that we're in this together. I can see myself in this room, the screen, the frost on the black windows. Its cold outside and so are my feet, I close my eyes to the music and feel like crying. Its dark inside now and I can hear the furnace. I wait until I'm gone and think about what could be if I would just let it.

It comes and goes.

I'll be there to hear your stories, and to tell you how jealous I am afterwards.

Still lost. But this time I'm optimistic. Up and down. Everyday I think that tomorrow might be the day, but when I wake up, I forget about the possibility. Here we go again, I smell hope.

I work with a man. A man whose mother owns the company. He still lives with his mother. He worked at a ski shop. He works 16 hour shifts. Lets all think about him, and maybe he'll feel better. And maybe then he'll understand. Its not so hard to let go.

Its time to sleep. I don't know if I'm hopeful or upset.

Night guys.



Sunday, September 21, 2003

confidence........CONCEIT!

Downtown today. Saw Matt, he is looking a lot better.

Afterwards, I sat in the sun watching people who don't know me. In the Shadow and reflection I saw myself in New Zealand. Lost, scared, and alone. But I knew that these were not nearly as strong as that feelings that I can't explain. That I have something no one else has. That all these people passing by me, not knowing, not thinking. They were looking at something different. And they had no idea. I was Me. And they had no idea.

It was my secret, but of course in reality, I wanted everyone to know.

Ahh... Melodrama....Melodrama is the shit.

Todays lesson: Watching people meet each other can show you just how you don't have anyone to meet. A lesson less learned but felt, over and over.

Run. React. Reflect.

Ma. It don't get more ghetto than this

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